Switch to dark mode 🌚
Increase font size
Decrease font size

My houseplant isn’t dying; it’s right-sizing to better facilitate flexibility in anticipation of future macroeconomic trends

Saturday, November 12, 2022
a dead houseplant
As founder and chief executive of My Living Room Decor, I have a deeply personal stake in ensuring an ambiance of natural bounty, fresh air, and homeliness in my living room. It is thus with profound regret that I must announce the necessary re-organization and re-focusing of my houseplant. Specifically, we are asking 46% of the leaves on the
Epipremnum aureum
team to seek opportunities elsewhere, effective immediately. A generous severance package and a referral letter to the compost bucket is available to all those affected.
At this time, I would like to assuage any doubts raised by investors and stakeholders regarding the long-term viability and profitability of my houseplant. Its brown leaves and generally withered appearance are not indicative of its demise. It is not dying! These factors are merely a reflection of broad macroeconomic forces and hardships beyond our control. The difficult, though needed, leaf-force adjustment will give the plant the agility that will prove crucial to our success as these trends play out.
Again, I would like to take personal responsibility for this decision, while at the same time, absolving myself of any direct blame by appealing to the current and anticipated future state of the economy. No, I have not watered my houseplant in six weeks. No, I did not buy any “plant food” for it. No, I do not regularly open the curtains in the living room. No, I do not shield my houseplant from cold drafts despite its specific request that I do so. But these facts (viewpoints, really) are trivial and irrelevant when considered with regards to the macro-scale scope of trends pertaining to houseplants everywhere. I’ve done nothing wrong and take full responsibility for having done/not done so.
The remaining leaves and I look forward to the exciting and challenging times ahead. I will water them tomorrow.
Editor's note: At press time, the author still had not watered his plant.