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"Taken 4: Your Turn" opens to empty theaters

Sunday, January 29, 2023
Liam Neeson on an important phone call
The fourth installment of the beloved franchise starring America’s sweetheart Liam Neeson opened this past Wednesday to empty theaters. Current box office sales total to $0. This normally disappointing figure is, however, the point. Director Pierre Morel, returning to the series after his dramatic (and controversial) refusal to participate in the first two sequels, has created the unwatchable
Taken 4: Your Turn
as a bold new experiment in cinematography. The movie’s conceit is that this time, you, the audience member, have been kidnapped and your father, played by Neeson, is coming to rescue you.
Over the film’s 4 hour and 17 minute runtime, the second-person narrative commits fully to this premise. “We took the thrilling, immersive experience that movie-goers grew to expect from the
franchise to its logical conclusion,” explained Morel. Rather than watch the movie, viewers are invited to blindfold themselves, crawl under their beds, and wait patiently for Liam Neeson to rescue them. He allegedly arrives at the 3hr 58min mark, at which point viewers are encouraged to emerge from underneath their bed and fall gratefully into his arms. Neeson will be drenched in sweat (his own) and blood (your kidnappers’). If Neeson is unavailable, your sweaty father and/or any hunky, blood-stained Irishman will do, says the studio.
100 lucky purchasers of the Blu-Ray edition will be selected for the
Taken 4: Your Turn
Complete Experience™, in which they will be kidnapped by sex traffickers and rescued by Liam Neeson himself, or a stunt double. For maximum cinematic effect, the pet dogs of the winners will be killed.
Reached for comment, voice actor Quentin Tarantino of
The Coriolis Effect
(1994) fame, said, “What Morel is doing here is taking cinema in an entirely new direction. That he was able to top his work on the original
and take it to a whole new level—the trilogy, by the way, being already some of the most innovative and expressive thrillers of all time—that just really speaks to his vision as a director, as an artist. He’s a visionary. Absolutely remarkable.”
Despite no one having watched it, or even being capable of watching it if they wanted to, the reviews on Rotten Tomatoes are in: 96% fresh from critics, 15% flop from the audience, proving once again, that everyone on the internet is lying.